Choosing the Hopeful Path

Sometimes the best way to move forward is to look at the world from a new perspective.

I was born fearful. Most of my life I’ve been likened to prey animals. My mother once said I reminded her of a rabbit, wide-eyed and likely to bolt at the earliest sign of danger, my little heart pounding against my ribcage. My therapist likened me to a fawn, wobbly-legged, shaky, and slow to trust. I, however, have always felt the most accurate description was a wild bird in a cage.

They say that we are often prisoners of our own volition. I am here to tell you that this is far too true. Up until my twenties, I’ve let fear guide my choices, suppressing me physically and mentally. Here is the story of how I finally mustered enough courage to leave my “cage”.

The Decision

I’m from Indiana, which is probably the flattest state you’ll ever visit if you’re unlucky enough to find yourself amongst us. While there are some very beautiful places here, I had some deep desire within me to visit someplace big and beautiful where I could see the ancient peaks I once saw when I was a child on vacation with my family. There was a significant portion of this trip where my father took my sister and me up to cross the border of New Mexico into Colorado where we watched a train pass through the verdant valleys surrounded by the most beautiful mountains I had ever seen. Thus, I decided that I had to see them again in my twenties.

My partner and I saved up money and decided that we would fly. The only issue is that we had never actually been in a plane before and we were very nervous about it… Imagine that, me nervous??? Our obsession with seeing something different and getting out of this hellish state just for a little bit was eventually greater than our fear. When I say I was desperate for something new, I was desperate. We packed our bags, I took my anxiety meds, and we set off.

The Journey

The entire time up until we actually boarded I was struggling to keep from throwing up. I was so nervous I could hardly eat or drink anything. Out of necessity, I gritted my teeth and forced myself to get on that damn plane so that I wouldn’t be the reason we wasted a big hunk of cash on plane tickets and reservations.

Here’s where the lesson comes in. Once we were in the air, all of my anxiety melted away and I learned that I loved the feeling of flying. See? If you can just get through the anticipatory struggle, you will discover so much about yourself and your passions. Engage those wings and fly, even if you’re scared. Lesson #1: You cannot grow without discomfort.

We visited three main parts of Colorado, Denver, Colorado Springs, and San Luis. Each part of the state was so different from the last and I was absolutely floored by the amount of flora and fauna variety!!! It was like the most picturesque jigsaw puzzle had melded together and come to life. We even felt welcomed in the city, which we were a bit nervous about visiting as we’re Hoosiers from the country. The murals in Denver were so frequent and so beautiful. Below is a picture of a mural featuring a quetzal (one of my favorite birds) that was painted on the side of my “coffee dealer” for the day. (I’m addicted for real.) There were so many beautiful cultural art pieces in the Art District and we visited a very lovely Latin American art museum: the Museo de las Americas. I recommend you visit if you can.

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One of the “signs” that I felt was the universe telling me that this was the right time for this journey was the fact that we discovered after booking our stay in Denver that the favorite band of my youth, AFI, would be playing a show on Halloween night. (If you know me, you’d know Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday so don’t be surprised if future posts are about this.) The show was amazing, and it got me out of my shell enough to meet some fellow fans. To the girl who asked me to dance, I really wanted to but my hands were so sweaty and I’m awkward. Lesson #2: To find satisfaction, you must take risks.

The rest of our trip was surrounded exclusively by nature. I had spent so long worrying about all of my problems that I craved the sensation of feeling like I was just a speck in the universe. The Garden of the Gods solved this for me. Never in my life have I ever felt so small and insignificant but yet called to a higher purpose. We live in an age of technology and isolation, and we are losing touch with nature and even ourselves so fast. Maybe we were never meant to be this way. Maybe our issues are zoochosis, a syndrome often felt by animals in captivity. Anyway, perhaps we’ll explore this more later. Lesson #3: Nature is medicine.

The Takeaway

I’m writing this as I sit in my dinky little Hoosier home, which is lovely and comfortable but so often lulls me into self-imprisonment. If you experience anxiety, you’ll relate to this statement. Anxiety is often excruciatingly painful, and the warm safety of your home acts as a sort of numbing agent that dulls anxiety, but has side effects including but not limited to: isolation, repetition, and complacency.

To make a long story short, if you’re feeling like a bird in a cage, look within yourself for the key. It’s not going to be easy, but you must persevere. The cage will kill you and any semblance of hope you have left. If you’re finding yourself struggling with the burden of your problems, perhaps finding a new perspective will help you solve them to the best of your ability. If I, a high-strung hot mess can do it, so can you.

You don’t have to travel across the United States like I did, but just try something new once in awhile. Once a day, once a week, even once a month or longer. Start small, dip your toe in before you cannonball, so to speak.

You don’t know me, but I’m rooting for you, stranger. If you or someone you know needs mental health resources, you can find them here. Lesson #4: There is always hope.